Note from the Editor: The following is an excerpt from a book written by a young man in whom I have recently had the pleasure of getting to know a little better. I have placed it here in “The Poet” section because the style is very “poetic, with heartfelt honesty”. [@more@]It comes from a book that journals the progress he has walked through in the last year. The message is timely and goes along with the articles this month. I hope it speaks and touches the heart of the poet crying out to God in each of you as you search for a deeper walk in the reality of Him.
Lost
Lost. Perhaps this best describes my relationship with God. I once was found, but now, I'm lost. I saw , but now, I'm blind. I am one of the Children of Israel wondering around in the desert. I am in darkness and can't recognize the truth.
God used to dwell in the inner throne of my heart. He walked with me and He talked to me. But then over time, I lost my way and now I doubt that I ever actually had this sacred relationship with God. And I do not think the sacred God is something that is easily grasped. In fact, I am somewhat ashamed of my claimed possession of the truth of God. With the Bible in my hand and the Holy Spirit in my heart, I lost myself in God. I lost the ability to clearly distinguish between myself and God. And now, I see that there were many times that I claimed to speak the words of God when I really was expressing my own words. There were times I called my will, God's will.
So this is what I have lost, I have lost God's voice and lost God's Spirit. But I would disregard this, again and again, rather than confuse my inner-self with the true Spirit of God. And I surely would rather loose my voice than lead a few people astray. Above all, I will never again be able to call myself a man of God. So I humble sit, hopelessly lost.
And without God, I am lost. He is the beginning and the end. He is the foundation of all knowledge and wisdom. And He is the ultimate desire of man. And God, truly I am lost. I cannot find You. I refuse to create my own God, my own Spirituality. I refuse to call something other than the true God the beginning and the end, and something other than You as the foundation of all knowledge and wisdom.
Asking God to Find Me
What is man that you are mindful of him?
Who am I, Jesus, that You call me by name?
What could I ever do to be worthy of Your love?
By Your grace, I believe that You have given me a glimpse of Your kingdom.
And yet at times, I don't feel that is enough to sustain my soul.
And at other times, I am deathly afraid that I have added to Your words.
That I have taken a glimpse of Your kingdom
And used it to construct a humble, concrete form of God
That I can hold, hear and touch.
And then in time, I have removed my eyes
From the glimpse of Your kingdom that You gave.
I have forgotten the beginning and the end, I found in You,
And made my story, my own religion.
I have made my own beginning and end.
I have made an idol, because I needed to understand my religion.
O God, the great God!
You have destroyed my idols.
But what now?
Will my soul remain in this desert forever?
Forever Lost!
Will a mere drop of Your presence sustain me forever?
Yet this drop gives hope and life.
It soothes my soul.
It shows me that the mysterious God has, indeed, come to this earth.
O God, let not my soul be troubled.
Let it not be disgruntled that it can not find green pastures.
But let it sing for joy!
For even a drop of Your presence can change the world.
By Ben E. Wainwright
An excerpt from My Confessions: Being Honest with God, Myself and Others, © 2006, Ben E Wainwright
